This is a story of a possible rekindling in a strained father-son relationship after many years of no contact. This comes about after the son and his partner are wanted by the police and are in an intense car chase. They end up at the fathers house and basically beg him for help even though the son has not seen him since the father walked out on him and his mother many years ago. I loved how the story was opened. It was really captivating and exciting. I also really enjoyed some of the descriptions throughout the story, such as the one about the night sky feeling endless as they are driving. The questions or suggestions I have for this piece mainly surround the ending. I like the idea of the possibility of the relationship between Boston and his father being mended, but I don’t know how realistic it is, as it all happened so fast. I feel like this is one of those “real estate” things that Jesse is always talking about, in the sense that there seems to be two major stories happening in this one short story format, and I don’t know if there is truly enough space for both (being on the run, and the mending of the family bond).
Author: jsabia (Page 3 of 8)
This is the tortured love story of a young girl who is in a toxic relationship and has a guy best friend who is in love with her. She eventually breaks up with her boyfriend and decides to try things with her guy best friend. He is still in love with her, and she ultimately doesn’t feel the same for him. She gets back with her ex, and their beautiful friendship explodes and they never talk again. I like how I was expecting a happy ending between her and Noah the entire time, but I was completely thrown for a loop when she ended up with Asher. I really enjoyed that it wasn’t truly a “happily ever after” love story scenario, and how it was real instead. I felt the disappointment and anger that I imagined Noah to be feeling, and similarly felt the stress of Sophia when she didn’t feel anything for Noah. I feel like the only questions or suggestions I have right now are about the ending. I feel like it’s really open ended and that it sets it up for a possible longer story. When it comes to reading short fiction, I feel like there should be more of a wrap up that allows the reader some closure, due to the fact that there won’t be a sequel. But that could have also been done on purpose.
This is a love story about two 25 year olds that meet at a club. They spark a connection right off the bat, but are pulled in opposite directions before they can exchange phone numbers. The next day they random;y run into each other at a coffee shop where they exchange information. They go on 2 dates and then label themselves as a couple. I think this story is very sweet. It’s one of those feel-good romances that just has you in a constant state of simple giddiness. The way in which everything happened felt like a typical fairytale ending, and was overall just a really upbeat, happy story. My only questions really revolve around the believability of everything. It all seems too good to be true, and it takes me out of the story. There was never really any conflict other than Jay being nervous, or him not getting her number, but that is resolved within two pages. I really liked the story, I just felt like I wanted something more to happen rather than the entire plot being perfect.
This story is about a woman who is dying of cancer and a man who is very close with her. They are both filmmakers. Her dying wish is to make a movie. The story is then a telling of the way that they met, but the best part about it is that the story is the actual movie that was the girl’s dying wish. I LOVED the ending. The plot twist of the story literally being the movie that was mentioned in the beginning gave me chills. It was unbelievably creative and something I have never seen before. It was really well done. I don’t have any questions per se. My only suggestions really rely on the repetition of words near the end. There is one instance where you say the word “hospital” 4 times in the matter of 4 sentences, and then say “reaches” twice in the same sentence. I found that it felt choppy, and sort of had me stumbling over my words. Other than that though, I absolutely loved it and I’m really excited to see where you go with the artist book.
This is a story of a young couple. The woman, Violet, ends up having Alzheimers and is losing her memory. Her husband retells her their love story everyday in hopes that it will get her to remember something. I really enjoyed the description of the emotions that the characters were feeling. It allowed for an easy connection to the characters. The only questions and suggestions I have would be to give it something that makes it unique. I mean that in the most gentle way possible. Just because right now, it really just seems like a retelling of The Notebook for me. My questions also rely on whether or not the story needs to be that broad. There was so much that happened within 9 pages, I feel like there is a more impactful story somewhere within this piece that would hold more gravity for a short story.
This is a story about a girl who tries to save another girl from suicide, and ultimately dies in the process, as they both fall off the bridge. This is also a story about reflection and regret, but also self growth. The narrator has had past trauma associated with this bridge, and it was a full circle moment where she ends up dying there and feeling the ‘want’ to live. I like that it was really suspenseful. I was not expecting this story to go in the direction that it did, and it left me feeling really sad and confused. I had to really sit with my thoughts on this one, and sort of take in what I had just read, as it felt really real to me. The main questions/suggestions I have are about the beginning of the story and whether or not it really has a purpose within the plot. I feel like it brought up a lot of unanswered questions about the narrator’s life, and they never really get answered. The main climax of the story is the whole event with the girl at the bridge, so I feel like the beginning could be more specific or condensed about what the place has to do with the narrator, rather than snapshots of her life.
This is a story about a very complicated and messy break up from an abusive relationship. They are forced to reunite at their friend’s wedding and things get very heated. Except, they don’t actually, as it was a stress vision by Tessa. In the end when they actually do see each other again, he is engaged, and yet he still winks at Tessa after checking her out. I loved how suspenseful it was. I was constantly sitting here with my jaw on the floor as I was reading. I really enjoyed the twist of the entire interaction being all in her head. It really created so much second hand embarrassment for her because I was picturing her yelling at this guy in the middle of her friend’s wedding. It also created a sense of relief when it wasn’t actually reality. I have a lot of questions surrounding what actually happened in their break up because I find it really hard to believe that they simply never talked again until that day at the wedding. I would also like to know a little more about Ashley. She sort of shows up out of nowhere, and the fact that she doesn’t feel even a little weird around Tessa makes things a little confusing as a reader. It reminds me a lot of the story ‘After’ in the best way possible. I love the drama it provides.
This is a story about a girl finding her guardian angel that would bring back the fight in her and give her hope. It follows a young girl, Barrie, as she fights cancer for the second time. She meets her best friend Delilah in the hospital, also fighting cancer. They make promises together and fight together, until Delilah dies in the hospital. I loved the way it was written. I felt the hope in my chest and the feeling of wanting them both to succeed. Similarly to how I felt my heart shatter when Delilah died. I knew something awful like that was going to happen the second Delilah got introduced, but I didn’t know to which girl it was going to happen. I would have liked to see a little more of Barrie’s mom during the second wave of treatment, and maybe even Delilah’s parents. I feel like watching them interact with each other and their daughters would have been interesting. A cool twist could have also been that Delilah actually wasn’t getting better and she was just lying to Barrie to keep her going. But that’s just the cruel way that my brain went as I was reading. Overall, a really good job, I’m really sad.
Everyone always says college is the “best four years of your life”. What a load of bullshit.
Orientation was a fever dream. Nobody ever tells you that it is simply a load of meaningless tasks to keep you busy so that you don’t have time to miss home and have a breakdown. But guess what, once that’s over, you have nothing. You have to start from square one. Learn how to make friends again, even though you haven’t had to really do that since kindergarten. I decided to go four hours from home, so I know literally no one. I have to pretend like I’m not losing my mind in this new found isolation, but at the same time, I never get to be alone anymore. My roommate? She never leaves the room. I can’t even take a nap without her clacking away at her keyboard. I’m going to transfer. Who the hell was I to think that going to the smallest school in the middle of nowhere would be anything short of shitty.
The endless string of photos and updates from my hometown friends at parties and football games infuriates me. None of that is even remotely offered in my small corner of hell. Sure, I want them to have the college experience that is portrayed on the big screen. I want them all to thrive and make stupid decisions that create the most insane memories, but selfishly I want that for myself too. It’s just that I —
“Holy shit! I’m sorry”
I didn’t even know what to say back, as my entire journal was now soaked in coffee from this kid with two left feet that practically flipped my chair with how hard he just crashed into me.
“It’s fine” was all that I could manage to say back in an attempt to not make a scene. I’ve been journaling every day since I got to school. It was my outlet. Now it’s all gone.
This idiot boy looked at me with wide eyes. The bright orange lanyard around his neck screaming I’M A FRESHMAN almost as loudly as the class map clearly displayed on his phone (obviously the thing that was so unbelievably important that he can’t bother to watch where he’s going). He gives me the napkin that he had wrapped around his coffee cup, as if that’s going to help anything. I couldn’t help but laugh lightly at how ridiculous this whole situation was. Noticing my chuckle, his eyes meet mine.
“I’m Harrison by the way” he says, offering his hand to me.
I shake it, being polite. “I’m Bree”.
I’ve never really been one for small talk. Actually, I’ve never really been one to talk at all. I am ok on my own, usually. I thrive on my own at home, but for some reason, this new environment is making that impossible.
He takes a seat across from me, even though he never asked.
“Let me guess,” he says with a small sigh as he leans back in his chair, “you have no friends either. In fact, you thought you were going to absolutely flourish in college, but now you find that you’re bored and have nobody to talk to because all of your friends from home went to bigger schools and have no shortage of activities. So, now you’re sitting alone in this sad little dining hall trying not to call your parents and say you hate it here. What do I have wrong?”.
My jaw nearly hit the floor. I don’t know whether to be majorly offended or impressed. Who the hell does this kid think he is? Walking in here as if he knows anything about me. But at the same time, he knows everything about me at this given moment. At home I get to fly under the radar. I had grown comfortable with having to never be noticed by people and never having to engage in conversation, but I’m willing to pretend for a little, which is why I respond.
“Let me guess. Psych major. Probably grew up not too far from here. Already making a name for yourself by trying to talk to every person you see even though they clearly look like they want nothing more than a little peace and quiet. Brutally honest, and don’t give a single fuck about what anyone thinks of you, which is either one of your only redeeming qualities, or the single worst thing about you. What do I have wrong?”.
He smiles, seemingly impressed by my ability to speak my mind, or he thinks I’m kidding (which I’m not).
“I’m impressed”, he begins, “strong theory, but you’re completely wrong about everything except for the fact that, you’re right, I don’t give a single fuck about what people think about me. I’m not a psych major, I’m just observant. But all I did was describe everything I was feeling and projected it onto you, hoping desperately that I am not the only one who feels completely and utterly lost right now”.
This was strangely comforting. This obnoxious kid, whom I would’ve found painfully annoying at home, was actually giving me a wake up call that I didn’t really expect to have on this random Wednesday.
“Let’s exchange schedules,” he says with a curious look on his face.
I hand over my phone with my class map displayed. He quickly looks over his next to mine, comparing to see what lines up.
He chuckles as he hands my phone back to me, “we have literally every class together aside from one. Want to be best friends?”
“I totally would if I wasn’t planning on transferring at the end of the semester”, I respond bluntly.
“We just got here,” he says “you can’t just quit after the first week of classes”.
“I’ll tell you what,” I say challengingly “I’ll give you three months to change my mind. That gives you up until my deadline to commit to other colleges”.
“I only need one,” he says confidently getting up from the table. “Now come on, we have biology”.
I get up from the table, still holding my coffee soaked journal, as I follow him to the door of the dining hall. The entire way to class, we effortlessly chit chat by giving each other the brief overview of our life story. Finally having someone to sit next to in class was a refreshing feeling. It allowed me to focus and pay attention rather than feeling like everyone was looking at me and judging me for keeping to myself.
Once class ended, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I don’t have any homework yet, so I guess I’m probably going to sit in my room –
“Hey,” Harrison says as we stand up “want to go to Petco and get a fish or some shit?”.
I laughed out loud before exclaiming “fuck yeah I do!”.
It was this sort of dumb stuff that I had missed so painfully from home. The random drives and visits to shops we simply didn’t need to visit. The effortless laughter and doing things for fun rather than because I was assigned to.
The ride to the pet store was never filled with awkward silence, but rather the entertainment of figuring out that we are oddly similar. We both have one sibling, play a sport, speak sarcasm way too fluently, have similar music tastes, and our home towns are literally 45 minutes from each other.
At the pet store, Harrison picked out a bright blue betta fish, telling me that he and his roommate already have the tank and everything set up in their dorm. Apparently he had gotten fairly close with his floor and was convinced that they’d like me. This is another notion I was not used to, but something in me was saying that I should give this new friendship a shot.
Once we returned back to campus, I followed him into his dorm to meet everyone. I had never been more stressed, this was a lot of socializing in such a short amount of time, but he assured me that it would be ok.
As we opened the door to the hallway, the atmosphere was already so much different from my dorm. Nearly everybody was in the hallway or had their door open. When they heard the door close behind Harrison and I, we were hit with an abundance of:
“Harrison! Man, you’re back! What’d you get?” and “Don’t be rude, man! Who’s your new friend?”
Everyone was so happy. It was the first time since I had gotten here that I had seen so many people laughing and smiling. Once Harrison had introduced me to a select handful of the people who he had come to call his friends, he and I went into his room to put the fish in the tank.
“You’re not much of a socializer,” Harrison said looking at me.
“Why do you say that?” I ask, almost offended, “I actually liked them”.
“I didn’t say you didn’t like them, but you looked a little too relieved when I closed the door again-”, he laughed as his phone rang.
He read me so easily it was almost scary. As he had his very brief phone conversation, I looked around the room. Stereotypical boys’ room is how I’d describe it. Photos littered the wall of his family, friends from home, and I’m assuming the one in the large frame is his girlfriend. Hanging up his phone, he looked at me,
“My girlfriend is here to meet you, I told her how I think you and her will really get along”
And just like that, he was leaving the room. Within two minutes he was back with this kind looking blonde with a soft smile.
“Bree, this is my girlfriend Carmen! Carmen, this is my new friend Bree” Harrison said with a ridiculously big smile on his face.
For the next four hours, Harrison, Carmen, and I talked about anything and everything under the sun. I knew from the second I met her, that Carmen and I were going to be really good friends. We found out that we both have an unhealthy addiction to coffee and have made plans to try a new coffee shop every Tuesday since we get out of class at the same time. It has now been five days since I have first met Harrison. He has single handedly introduced me to everyone that I now know. We get dinner in the dining hall together every night, and find random shit to do to pass our time; whether it be playing games, watching movies, throwing a football around, it literally doesn’t matter.
I finally don’t hate it here. And I know that sounds ridiculous. Like Bree, relax, it was five days. But also, I feel like I can trust them with anything, and I’m actually really excited. This journal? Harrison got it for me as a “sorry I destroyed your other one” gift, while Carmen got me a coffee mug to go with it because she thinks that the way we met is single handedly the funniest story that one could tell.
All of the kids from his floor have now started recognizing me out and about. I constantly hear “BREE” randomly across campus. Normally I would be mortified, but I found it to be the reason I smile more often now than ever.
As I went to hit submit on my transfer applications, I found myself hesitating. Maybe I should give this place a chance. But who the hell was I kidding? This is where I have to be. You know when people always say how you “just know” when you’re choosing a college? These people. They were my “just know” moments.
3 months.
I gave him 3 months to change my mind.
And it took him a total of 5 days.
Overall I think this workshop experience went pretty well. It was definitely very helpful to hear the feedback from everyone in regards to what could be changed/altered to make the story more impactful. I really appreciated the honesty I got from a few of my peers in regards to what kind of took them out of the story. I feel like I should have made Harrison either have less friends, or have him explain to Bree that this is how he used to feel. If I were to revise this story, which I feel like is not where I am leaning towards right now, I would include more about Carmen and how she came about. I would also develop Harrison a little bit in the sense of how he found his way. In the end, I really felt like this workshop was very beneficial in the development of this story.
