Original Question: “In a following paragraph, make a case for how social media connections might negatively impact your acclimation. Be specific, take note of which argument feels most authentic to you.”

Before

On the other hand, social media has made adjusting to UNE significantly more difficult.  By having access to the social media accounts of my hometown friends and family, it creates an increasing reminder of what I left behind as well as a constant feeling of homesickness. Social media also typically only shows the positive aspects of one’s life, making the feelings of doubt or dreariness feel invalidated and wrong.  Since coming to UNE, I have noticed so many people beginning to make friends and post pictures with them on social media where they look like they are having the time of their lives.  This also creates a serious issue for those who are less social with others, as it makes them feel isolated and excluded in a place where they are simply trying to feel like they belong.  Social media creates a false narrative for so many people and not only invalidates the feelings they may be experiencing, but also allows them to feel like they know someone without ever having to open their mouth, which is equally as dangerous.

After

Although I can see the benefits that social media can have on adjusting to college life, I believe that it has made adjusting to UNE significantly more difficult.  The constant access to  my hometown friends and family accounts acts as an inescapable reminder of what I left behind while adding an increase in the feeling of homesickness.  Social media also has a tendency to only display the positive aspects of one’s life, thus invalidating the feelings of doubt or dreariness that may be felt by college freshmen during their first semester.  Since arriving at UNE, I have witnessed so many people beginning to make friends and post pictures with each other on social media, seeming like they are having the time of their lives.  This creates an issue for students who are less social, as they could feel isolated or excluded in a place where they are simply trying to feel like they belong.  Social media creates a false narrative of one’s life while not only invalidating the feelings of the person viewing the post, but also allowing them to feel as though they know someone without ever having to speak, which is equally as isolating.

Write 1-2 paragraphs detailing the specific improvements you made and why you made them. Did they help? How did your adjustments impact paragraph length? Clarity?

The first change I made to my paragraph was the first sentence.  I used a template from They Say I Say to try and create a better flow to the beginning of my response because I felt that it sounded choppy.  I changed most of my word choice throughout the entire paragraph, but one part in particular was how I changed the sentence “Social media also typically only shows the positive aspects of one’s life, making the feelings of doubt or dreariness feel invalidated and wrong” to “Social media also has a tendency to only display the positive aspects of one’s life, thus invalidating the feelings of doubt or dreariness that may be felt by college freshmen during their first semester”.  While the changes I made increased the length of my sentence, it made what I was trying to say more specific and clearer to understand.  I believe that the changes I made did improve my overall paragraph.  The changes kept my response roughly the same length while still adding so much specificity and context to my argument.